I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
umm…
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
how to have an accident 101
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Twitter fine art
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣