“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.