[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
i can’t wait that long
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today