Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on