Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.