What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.