I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies