[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.