me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I’m being attacked 😭
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.