Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
you gotta be faster
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.