[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”