[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what