I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
definitely did not do anything wrong
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee