Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Shower sex be like:
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life