ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out