8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Oh yeah that’s it
Tier 3 meme
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards