“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Well, that didn’t work.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir