*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?