Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Challenge accepted.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?