How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Erm I’m gonna say no
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz