sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”