cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Doggies just call it style.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.