Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Anyone really
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade