*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
The news
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp