Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.