A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Damn he played himself
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*