Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
You Might Also Like
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.