When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.