Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”