Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
that wasn’t the question