[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??