GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
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Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies