Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw