If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.