My back has gone out more than I have this year.
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death