003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER