Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
not for long
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.