we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT