Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.