Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches