[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?![]()
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.