My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear