Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
You Might Also Like
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.