Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
meow
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!