wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.