Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
🤣🤣🤣
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life