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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
You had me at “define legal”.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing