Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm