[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go