Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single